2) Bingo first!
Who cares about the Second coming?: There is a second group of people who ignore Christ’s Parousia and stick to their addictions. A woman was hurrying home from work. This was her Bingo night. Suddenly she spotted this fellow standing on the edge of the pavement holding aloft a placard which read: The end of the world is near. She went up to him and said, ‘You say the end of the world is near.’ ‘That’s right, missus,’ he replied. ‘But are you sure?’ ‘Quite sure, missus.’ ‘And you say it’s near.’ ‘Yes, missus.’ ‘How near?’ ‘Oh, very near.’ ‘Could you be more precise?’ ‘This very night, Missus’. She paused for a moment to reflect on this. Then in a voice full of anxiety, she asked, ‘Tell me, son. Will it be before or after Bingo?’ (Flor McCarthy in New Sunday and Holy Day Liturgies).
3) Two Polish men were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought a banana. The first man eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a dark tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?” asked his friend. “Because, it makes you temporarily blind.”
3) A motorist with poor eyesight was driving through a dense fog and was trying desperately to stay within range of the taillights of the car ahead of him. As he squinted and worried his way along, trying to stay on course with those taillights, the car in front suddenly stopped, and his car hit the car in the front. The driver of the rear car got out and demanded to know why the other driver came to such an abrupt stop. "I had to," he replied, "I'm in my own garage!"
4) Once upon a time a TV commentator (on PBS) delivered a pessimistic editorial on a Friday evening broadcast (taped earlier in the day). The world was in grim shape, he told the camera. Global warming was worse than anyone had thought it was. The population of the world would double again in the next twenty year. It was likely that an asteroid would hit earth before the end of the next century. Rage was increasing the third world countries against our wealth.
The races were polarizing in America. The crime had turned up again. Our schools were total failures and would not, could not get any better. There was a drug and alcohol epidemic in white suburban high schools. Divorce rates were increasing. Abortions were at an all time high. A wave of bad news was sweeping the earth and thee was nothing anyone could do about it.
When the taping was over, he got into his Mercedes and drove rapidly into the country to escape the Friday night traffic rush. At his house on the shore of the lake, he relaxed in the sauna, sipping from a large glass of Barolo wine, swam in the pool, wrapped himself in a robe, and sat on the deck as the sun set. He poured himself a second glass of wine and, as the sky turned red and then purple that life was very good indeed.
5. "You’ll wish you were Jewish!!" A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest enjoyed teasing their Jewish rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their faith. When the Holidays rolled around, the rabbi sent them a card with the following: "Season’s Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you’ll wish you were Jewish!!"
6. Missed the “rapture” by a minute: A certain man, Herbert Washington by name, was so taken up by the nearness of Christ’s second coming and “the rapture” that he became a pain in the neck to his coworkers. So his coworkers hatched a plan to pay him back in his own coin. One day, when Herbert went to the washroom, they laid their work clothes on their chairs and hid in the supply room. When Herbert came back from the washroom, he thought the rapture had taken place. The Muslim janitor, who was part of the joke, pretended to have witnessed everyone disappear and ran around the office feigning panic. Herbert fell to the ground clutching his heart and screaming, "I knew you'd forget me, Jesus! What did I do wrong?" He was rushed to a local hospital with what was diagnosed as a mild heart attack. (Fr. Munachi).
7. The Second Coming. A Sunday school teacher asked his class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven? “NO!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” Again the teacher asked, “Well, then, if I were kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, they all answered, "NO!" “Well then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!” Good insight for a five-year old!
| 8. Somnambulist or Methodist? "Be constantly on the watch! Stay awake," Jesus commands. The signs-of-the-times are such that, clearly, this is no time for somnambulists. A somnambulist, as you know, is a person who walks in his sleep. On the eve of his wedding, a young man decided to confess all to his fiancée. He went to her and said, "My love, there is something I feel I must tell you before we are married; something you must know. It may make a difference in your feeling toward me. You see, I am a somnambulist." The young lady thought for a moment, then replied, "Oh that's all right. There's no problem. I was raised a Methodist. We can go to your Church one Sunday and to mine the next." |
The first reading from the Book of Daniel speaks of the end of the world. "There is going to be a time of great distress, unparalleled since nations came into existence." The apocryphal style is a form of writing used by the prophets not to frighten the people. The purpose is not to speak of the future but to look at the present differently. What is happening at present might look terrible; it may appear that we are heading for worse times. Whatever happens, the Lord has not and will not abandon his people. The prophets were reassuring the people, who were losing hope that they should not give up. "When that time comes, God's people will be spared. Those who lie in the dust will rise again." In fact, in the midst of death the prophet speaks of the hope of resurrection. No matter how terrible the circumstances that surround us, no matter how hopeless the world around us may seem, our God is a God of hope and new life.
"I shall return!" The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbour in Hawaii on December 7th 1941. Soon after, they invaded and occupied the Philippines. The US General Douglas McArthur was stationed in the Philippines, and on March 11th 1942, he was forced to leave the islands. Before leaving for Australia, he promised the islanders "I shall return." On October 20th 1944, two and a half years later, he kept his promise. He landed on one of the islands, and announced "I have returned." This heralded freedom for the Philippines. -Jesus assures us: "Heaven and earth shall pass away before my word passes away." Jack McArdle in 'And That's the Gospel Truth' In the Gospel of Mark we find similar apocryphal language being used by Jesus as he describes the end of time. "The sun will be darkened and the moon will lose its light and the stars will fall from the heaven." But we have to remember that these are not signs that God is destroying the world but signs that He is coming. In the midst of what is fearful comes the Lord to ease our fear. We may be surrounded by terrible circumstances and calamities but that should not get us down. There will always be difficult moments in our lives. These are not a punishment from God; they are the entry point for His coming into our lives. The important thing is to look beyond, to read the signs of the times and to believe in His reassuring word. What is important is how one looks at all that was happening to us and to our world. Our faith gives us the vision to look beyond the obvious to the deeper reality that is beyond. This faith vision is based on the word of God, and the promise that the Lord gives us. "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away." As we struggle to live in troubled times, as we are battered by the storms of life, as we are harangued by prophets of doom to await the end, only our faith vision will help us to look beyond to the Lord who will never abandon us. The Lord says: "When you call to me I will listen to you, and I will bring you back to the place from which I exiled you." Vision of a better future The leader of a certain Indian tribe was dying, so he summoned his three sons and said: "I am dying; before my death, I must choose one of you to succeed me as the head of our tribe. I have the same task for each of you. I want you to climb our holy mountain and bring me back something beautiful. The one whose gift is most outstanding will be the one who will succeed me." The following morning the sons set out on their search, each taking a different path up the mountain. After several days the sons returned. The first brought his father a beautiful and rare flower that grew near the summit of the mountain. The second son brought his father a valuable stone, round and colourful which had been polished by the wind and the rain. The third son, who came empty handed, said to his father: "I have brought back nothing to show you father. As I stood on the top of the holy mountain, I saw that on the other side was a beautiful land filled with green pastures. In the middle of these pastures is a crystal lake. I have a vision of where our tribe could go for a better life. I was so overwhelmed by what I saw and by what I could see that I could not bring anything back." The father replied: "You shall be our tribe's new leader, for you have brought back the most precious thing - the gift of a vision for a better future." Dennis McBride It began in "the hole"! There is a story of a hardened criminal serving a life sentence, who felt such despair that life had no longer any hope for him. His behaviour got so mean that he was sent to solitary confinement for three weeks to what was known as "the hole." One day while in "the hole" a remarkable thing happened. He was lying on the cold cement doing sit-ups when he noticed that something was wedged into the back corner of the cell, under the sleeping platform. He had no idea how it got there, but figured a former resident of "the hole" must have left it. He wiggled it out. It was, of all things, a copy of the New Testament. Now the thing that is so remarkable is that the inmate actually began to read from it. The inmate had always been a dynamo of power and energy. Suddenly, he began to wonder what would have happened to him had he used his power and energy for good rather than evil. The thought completely boggled his mind. For a long time he lay there thinking: "Why did God create me? Why did God create someone who would end up behind bars? Why did God create someone who would die to goodness and love and be buried in a tomb of evil and hate in a prison cell?" What happened next is hard to describe. A surprising thought entered the inmate's mind. The greatest event in history began in a tomb- a tomb just as secure and guarded as his cell. That event, of course was the resurrection of Jesus. A second thought jolted him. What happened to Jesus could happen to him too, in "the hole." Because of Jesus' new life and glory, he too could be reborn. He too could be re-created. In a sense he too could rise from the dead. At that moment something roused deep inside him; he felt it stirring. He asked Jesus to come to him and raise him to a new life, to re-create a hardened criminal into a new person. And what happened to Jesus in the tomb happened to the prisoner in his tomb, "the hole." The resurrection power of God brought him new life. That man was Starr Dailey, who after being released from prison became one of the pioneers of prison reform in the United States. Mark Link Making Adjustments An old sea captain named Eleazar Hall lived in Bedford, Massachusetts, during the time of the great sailing ships. He was renowned, legendary, and revered as the most successful of sea captains of the day. Captain Hall was often asked about his uncanny ability to stay out so long without navigational equipment. Eleazar simply replied, "Oh, I just go up on deck and listen to the wind and rigging. I get the drift of the sea, look up at the stars, and then set my course." Well, times changed at Bedford. The big insurance companies moved in and said they no longer insured the ships if the captains didn't have a certified and properly trained navigator on board. They were terrified to tell Eleazar. But to their amazement he said, "If I must, I will go and take the navigational course." Eleazar graduated high in his class, and having greatly missed the sea, he immediately took off for a long voyage. On the day of his return, the whole town turned out to ask him the question: "Eleazar, how was it having to navigate with all those charts and equations?" Eleazar sat back and let out a long low whistle. "Oh," he replied, "it was simple. Whenever I wanted to know my location, I'd go to my cabin, get out my charts and tables, work the equations and set my course with scientific precision. Then I'd go up on deck and listen to the wind and the rigging, get the drift of the sea, look at the stars, and go back and correct the errors I had made in computation." When I heard that, I prayed, "Lord, I want to know you that way. I want to go up on deck, hear your quiet voice in my heart, consider your eternal Word, and then go back down below and make adjustments to all those fine, logical, scientific plans I've drawn up in my head." Ron Mehl from 'Surprise Endings' The end of the world A woman was hurrying from work. This was her bingo night. Suddenly she spotted this fellow standing on the edge of the pavement holding aloft this placard which read: THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR. She went up to him and said, "You say the end of the world is near." "That's right missus," he replied. "But are you sure?" "Quite sure missus." "And you say it's near." "Yes missus." "How near?" "Oh, very near." "Could you be more precise?" "This very night, missus." She paused for a few moments to reflect on this. Then in a voice full of anxiety, she asked, "Tell me, son, will it be before or after bingo?" - The world in which we live is an uncertain one. It seems to lurch from one crisis to another. This uncertainty can cause great fear and anxiety. In the midst of this uncertainty we need something to rely on. For the Christian that can only mean one thing: faith in God. Flor McCarthy in 'New Sunday and Holy day Liturgies' Then comes the dawn Years ago an old municipal lamplighter, engaged in putting out his lights one by one, was met by a reporter who asked him if he never grew tired of his work in the cold dark night of labour. "Never am I cheerless," said the old man, for there is always a light ahead of me to lead me on." "But what would you have to cheer you when you have put out the last one?" asked the writer. "Then comes the dawn." said the lamplighter. A man of the world might have asked Jesus the same question. One light after another did he put out: the lamp of popular acclaim, the lamp of patriotic approval, the lamp of ecclesiastical conformity -all for the sake of God's love which burned in his heart and showed him a better way. At last even the light of his life was to flicker out on the hill called Calvary. What then? We hear his voice, "Into Thy hands I commend my spirit," and then the dawn came. Carl Knudsen in 'The Living One' |
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Have you ever tried to make a prediction? Here are some predictions from the past. All from people who were trusted individuals:
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, in 1943 said, "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Popular Mechanics magazine in 1949 made this prediction: "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons."
There was an inventor by the name of Lee DeForest. He claimed that "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
The Decca Recording Co. made a big mistake when they made this prediction: "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." That was their prediction in 1962 concerning a few lads form Liverpool. Their band was called the Beatles.
As the disciples walked out of the Temple in Jerusalem Jesus paused, looked back at the Temple and predicted, "Do you see all these great buildings. Not one stone will be left on another." To the disciples this was bedrock. Nothing could bring down these walls. "Look, teacher! What massive stones! What magnificent buildings!" they said to Jesus.
The smallest stones in the structure weighed 2 to 3 tons. Many of them weighed 50 tons. The largest existing stone, part of the Wailing Wall, is 12 meters in length and 3 meters high, and it weighs hundreds of tons! The stones were so immense that neither mortar nor any other binding material was used between the stones. Their stability was attained by the great weight of the stones. The walls towered over Jerusalem, over 400 feet in one area. Inside the four walls was 45 acres of bedrock mountain shaved flat and during Jesus' day a quarter of a million people could fit comfortably within the structure. No sports structure in America today comes close.
You can then understand the disciples' surprise...
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A number of years ago, leaders in a church decided to track down the congregation's drop-outs. They combed through the membership list, put together a list of names, and sent out volunteers two-by-two to knock on doors and invite the absent members back to church.
As is often the case, the volunteer visitors discovered that most of the people visited had found other things to do on Sunday morning. One person said, "I would come back to church if it didn't conflict with my tennis time." Another said, "We came to church when our kids were involved. When they outgrew Sunday School, we stopped going." Another said, "I enjoy going to church on the really big days, like Christmas, Easter, and the Fourth of July. Compared to those days, other services are a little bit dull."
One response was different. Two volunteers named Jack and Esther went to see a man whom nobody knew. He lived on the end of the street, in a big house behind three overgrown pine trees. It took the volunteers a few minutes to find the front door. All the curtains were drawn. It looked like nobody was home. Suddenly the door swung open, and a thin man with a shock of white hair said, "My name's Tarnower. What do you want?" They said, "We're from the church. We stopped by to see you." He invited them in. They explained why they had come.
In a few minutes, he was shaking a bony finger at them. "I'll tell you why I don't go to church anymore. It's because I got in the habit of reading the Sunday Times before I went to the worship service."
Esther leaned forward. "Tell us," she said warmly, "how did the newspaper keep you from coming to church? Did you get caught up in the sports section and lose track of time? Or the comics?"
Mr. Tarnower looked at her with wild eyes. "No," he said, "I read the news. It's an awful world out there. There are a lot of diseases I don't understand. Wars break out. Families fall apart. Children run through the streets with handguns. People die prematurely. Listen, the world is falling apart, and the church can't do a thing about it."
"Well," Jack said, "you ought to come back. We have a nice minister, a fairly good choir, and a Bible study on Wednesday nights. You might enjoy our program."
"No," Mr. Tarnower said, "I don't think so. I get out for groceries, but that's all I want to face. I went to church for a while, but the world got worse. When my wife died, I decided to sit in here, watch everything fall apart, and wait my turn. I don't go to church anymore. The church has nothing to say."
He has a point. We live in a rough and painful world that seems to grow worse each day...
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On the Preparation Committee
It is understandable that some Christians have grown impatient over the centuries, and have tried to speed things up a bit. I love what someone once said about the return of the Lord. "God did not put me on the Time & Place Committee; He put me on the Preparation Committee." Our job is not to speculate about times and seasons, but to make sure that we are living as God wants us to live - sisters and brothers to one another - here and now. Some folks are "so heavenly minded they are no earthly good."
Tourists. As Mark 13 opens, the disciples are like tourists, gawking at the more striking features of "the big city" that they were visiting for the high and holy festival of Passover. If there had been cameras in those days, you can almost picture the disciples mugging for the camera in front of the magnificent opulence of the Temple. Little bands of tourists wearing bright orange hats would be milling through the plazas and colonnades of the Temple as tour guides with bullhorns shouted forth impressive statistics. "Some of these foundation stones weigh 5 tons and were brought into the city through the massive efforts of thousands of masons and slaves."
Appreciative "Ooohs" and "Ahhhs" would follow each stunning stat.
It was, all in all, a heady atmosphere. You couldn't help but look up to see the towering heights. When I've been in places like Chicago and New York City, I know full well that standing on a sidewalk and staring up at the towering heights of the Sears Tower or the Empire State Building is the surest way possible to have me be easily identified as a tourist. But I can't help it! I don't want to look like some hick from the outback who is bowled over by skyscrapers, but they are just so impressive. They simply dwarf you! And so I steal as many heavenward glances as I can.
The disciples were like that. They don't want to look like simple fishermen from Galilee and the like, but let's face it: you just don't see stonework like this back on the farm. Their enthusiasm is so great that they cannot resist pulling Jesus into the action. Their master seems oddly unmoved by the ramparts and architectural heights of Jerusalem. He is the only one NOT craning his neck and mugging for the camera. So the disciples try to bring him around. "Teacher! Lookee here - isn't this one massive hunk of limestone!? Isn't the craftsmanship on these carvings impressive? Can you imagine what it must have taken to raise up such a high edifice!?"
But Jesus meets their breathless enthusiasm with a shrug of his shoulders. "Yes, I see them. But you know what? Even the biggest of these stones will soon fall and be thrown down. One day, there won't be a single building to look at here."
Scott Hoezee, comments and observations on Mark 13:1-8.
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Humor: False Prophets and Messiahs
Several years ago, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks did a comedy skit called the "2000 Year Old Man". In the skit, Reiner interviews Brooks, who is the old gentleman. At one point, Reiner asks the old man, "Did you always believe in the Lord?"The disciples were like that. They don't want to look like simple fishermen from Galilee and the like, but let's face it: you just don't see stonework like this back on the farm. Their enthusiasm is so great that they cannot resist pulling Jesus into the action. Their master seems oddly unmoved by the ramparts and architectural heights of Jerusalem. He is the only one NOT craning his neck and mugging for the camera. So the disciples try to bring him around. "Teacher! Lookee here - isn't this one massive hunk of limestone!? Isn't the craftsmanship on these carvings impressive? Can you imagine what it must have taken to raise up such a high edifice!?"
But Jesus meets their breathless enthusiasm with a shrug of his shoulders. "Yes, I see them. But you know what? Even the biggest of these stones will soon fall and be thrown down. One day, there won't be a single building to look at here."
Scott Hoezee, comments and observations on Mark 13:1-8.
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Humor: False Prophets and Messiahs
Brooks replied: "No. We had a guy in our village named Phil, and for a time we worshiped him."
Reiner: You worshiped a guy named Phil? Why?Brooks: Because he was big, and mean, and he could break you in two with his bare hands!
Reiner: Did you have prayers?
Brooks: Yes, would you like to hear one? O Phil, please don't be mean, and hurt us, or break us in two with your bare hands.
Reiner: So when did you start worshiping the Lord?
Brooks: Well, one day a big thunderstorm came up, and a lightning bolt hit Phil. We gathered around and saw that he was dead. Then we said to one another, "There's somthin' bigger than Phil!"
Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks, 2000 Year Old Man
__________________Is The Mule For Sale?
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man. He would complain about everything. One day he went to the creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?" Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, "Yes, I'll be alright." When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule was for sale . . . "
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"I Would Plant an Apple Tree"
Martin Luther was once asked what he would do if he knew that the world was coming to an end tomorrow, and he said: "I would plant an apple tree." In other words, Luther, trusting in God's gracious, unmerited mercy would live life just as he had been living it. When John Wesley was asked the same thing, being an obsessive-compulsive type, he said that he would arise at 4:00 AM, preach at 5:00 visit the sick at 7:00, go to communion at 8:00...etc., until the questioner realized that that was exactly what Wesley had planned to do tomorrow anyway! Because we believe that God is like Christ, we can dare to live in faith and hope and love now; trusting God for whatever the future holds, because we believe that God holds the future, and that God's Name and God's Nature are love.
Donald B. Strobe, Collected Words, www.Sermons.com
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Don't Panic
"Don't panic!" Those are the words I frequently say when someone has come to see me and they are in the midst of a crisis. They may have lost their job, had a marital crisis, a problem with a child, or found themselves in serious financial trouble. They are anxious. It seems like the world is caving in on them. They feel lonely and afraid. They can't see any way out of their predicament.
It has been my experience over the years as a pastor that when folks are desperate they tend to run, quit or act in haste. I am not discounting their pain or minimizing the crisis, rather I am merely helping them to see that their perceptions have exaggerated the crisis. Or, they have a distorted perception of reality.
This was the case with the disciples. They were being persecuted by an oppressive government. They were powerless and under immense pressure. All seemed dark and hopeless, so much so that they wondered if the "end" was near. They were desperate, blinded by their anxiety and totally unable to see into the future.
They are no different than us. Whenever things are happening in the world of epic proportions, like hurricanes, wars, catastrophes or plagues there are those who believe that the world is coming to an end.
Keith Wagner, Are You Having an Anxiety Attack?
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History Is Going Somewhere
William Barclay wrote in his book The Mind of St. Paul, "The great value of the doctrine of the Second Coming is that it guarantees that history is going somewhere. We cannot tell how it will happen. We cannot take as literal truth the Jewish pictures of it which Paul used. We need not think of a physical coming of Christ in the clouds, or a physical trumpet blast. But what the doctrine of the Second Coming conserves is the tremendous fact that there is one divine, far-off event to which the whole creation is moving; there is a consummation; there is a final triumph of God."
William Barclay, The Mind of St. Paul, New York: Harper and Bros. 1958, p.229
____________________Gollum's Riddle
In the Hobbit by JRR Tolkien Bilbo Baggins has met Gollum for the first time. Bilbo is lost and needs to find his way out of Gollum's cave. Gollum will show him the way out if he can answer a riddle.
This thing all things devours,
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stone to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
Bilbo is stumped. He doesn't know the answer to the riddle and after being pressured by Gollum says, "Give me time." Gollum hears the word "time" and mistakenly takes it as Bilbo's answer, which of course is right. Time devours all things, even massive Temples.
