Stories and Jokes for Preachers

Preacher's Stories and Jokes

 

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill, farewell offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a Rs 5250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

A very innovative liturgy director, a religious sister, danced the offertory procession in 'attractive' costumes and playing the banjo. The bishop was presiding on this occasion of the pastor's golden jubilee. As the "dancer" approached the altar, the bishop whispered to the pastor: "If she asked for your head on a platter, she'd have it!"

A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.

Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't heaven!"

When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have paper, they say that you were not prepared!

A pastor had a bad week. On Sunday, he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways." One man in the back began to laugh. So the pastor said it again louder. The man continued to laugh. The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"

A pastor was serving communion in a multicultural church. He was using "Pitta Bread" for the loaf. when he got to serve to an Hispanic young girl, she said to him aloud: "I don't like flour tortilla, I like corn tortilla, Sir."

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him.............. and cried too.

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Three boys were arguing about whose Dad was the greatest. The Doctor's lad claimed his dad was the greatest because he was the richest. The other two boys said almost simultaneously, "how do you figure that?" The Doc's youngster said clearly, "folks will pay anything for my dad to make 'em well." The Lawyer's lad said, "yeah but my dad is richer than yours. My dad says your dad keeps doing something called malpractice and if he keeps it up he will have everything your dad owns and then some,like all the other doctors in town, so he is richer than your dad." Well the preacher's kid couldn't contain his pride any longer and proclaimed, "My dad is richer than both your dads." "Well," the doctor's kid inquired, "How do you figure that?" "Well," said the pk, "he owns hell, and let's face it, folks would pay everything they own and then some to avoid hell." "Well," cross examined the sharp-as-a-tack attorney's child, "how did your dad get to own hell?" "Its like this," the young pk replied, "my dad came home from the Board Meeting last!"

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion with a twist.  When it came time to uncover the elements the grape juice looked darker than usual.  I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discoverd why the stange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a Divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering. "Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us." Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

Joke

A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had just had an operation.As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed.He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave.When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts."Sister Jones,"he said" I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts."She replied "That's okay pastor,I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them."

Joke

My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic Priest and wanted to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going well, but when he asked if his Father had been a Priest, the conversation was over.

Joke

A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No." said he, "they live two farms down."

"No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years."

"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"

"When is it?" "It could be today or tomorrow."

"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"

A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach. He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".
"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

ON TITHING:

A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).    Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning, Father; good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"   "Oh Father, don't you recognize me?. ................ I'm Sister Kathryn"

A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"    Another man came along and asked what was wrong.  The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying"  The man said, "There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help."  "I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time.  I think that I can say it for you."  The dying man says, "Thank You." The helpful man leans close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeats the ritual as he has heard it so many times:   "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ..." (Bingo)

A PREACHER ONCE PREACHED ABOUT  THE DANGER OF DRINKING
BEER AND HE SHOWED THE CONGREGATION A CLEAR GLASS WITH A
PIECE OF LIVER INSIDE AND POURED BEER INSIDE AND LET THEM
WATCH WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR LIVER IF YOU DRANK. THERE
WAS A LITTLE DRUNK IN THE VERY LAST BENCH THAT STOOD UP
AND SAID "OH MY, I'LL NEVER EAT LIVER AGAIN.

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.
"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of asses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"

This preacher visited a home for the elderly where he met this particular lady and they had a long discussion, there was this jar of peanuts on the night stand by the old lady bed,the preacher decided that he would unscrew the top and eat a few,as they talked he kept eating, until he had ate almost all of the lady peanuts
and as he prepared to leave he offered to pay the lady for her peanuts,the lady said no you don't owe me anything,the preacher kept insisting that she let him pay her, the old lady reply was, I'm through with that jar anyway,because I have licked all of the chocolate off of them.

Three friends decided to go hunting together.  One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.  As they were walking, along came a big buck.  The three of them shot simultaneously.  Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.  Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.  Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.  5 minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was.    The doctor told him their reason for the debate.  The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.  5 seconds later he said he knew who shot the buck.  He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"    They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.  The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Three preachers were spending some time on the lake relaxing and trying to get some rest, when one of the ministers volunteered that he had a confession to make.
   The preacher confessed that he had a problem with alcohol.  He felt that he needed to share his problem with his closet friends in hopes that they would help.
    Second preacher while trying to console the first said that he too, had a secret weekness.  He liked to smoke cigars every once in a while.
     The third preacher annouced that since they were sharing there secret faults that he had a problem with gossip.

There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Bapist minister.  One day the priest went to get a hair cut.  After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him.    The barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."   So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.
Well the rabbi came for a hair cut.  Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."  So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.
Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut.  Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."
Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she askes him why he did that, he explained,"I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon. His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well daddy, Why doesn't he do it?"

What do they call preachers in Germany?
German Shepherds

These three preachers were fishing. A baptist,a methodist, and a presbyterian. They decided to confess thier faults to one another. The baptist said "wee my only fault is I like the drink... yep I hit the bottle quite often." The methodist confessed ''well my shortcoming is that I do chase the women, but that's my only fault." And finally the presbyterian spoke out gleafully 'my fault and I know it is that I tell everything I know. And I can't wait to get back to town to tell about what I just heard from y'all...

The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.  The former pastor says, "I left three envelopes in your desk.  If you have any trouble, open them."  Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.  Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.    He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.  It says, "You haven't been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.  Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it."  So the young preacher did that and it worked well.

He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.  Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.  So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: "You did something to make the deacons mad and there's talk of replacing you.  Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they do."  He tried this, and again it worked great.

You guesed it.  After three years, he finally told the women's organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women's group being present.  This put the women's organization in open revolt.  So he went back to that third and final envelope: "You've been here about three years and you finally got the women's organization mad.  The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes ... "

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
 director to hold a grave side committal service at a
 small local cemetery for someone with no family or
 friends.

 The preacher started early but quickly got himself
 lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour
 late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen
 were eating lunch.

 The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault
 lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the
 service.

 As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
 workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic
 tank."

An old time circut riding preacher  found himself in need of money and decided to sell his horse and buggy. As he completed te deal he remarked to the blacksmith,"This is not an ordinary horse". Since he has been owned and driven by a man of the cloth all his life he does not respond to the commands of whoa or giddy-up. When you want this horse to stop you must say AMEN. When you want him to go you must say PRAISE THE LORD! Later that day the Blacksmith decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he was. While trotting down the road the horse was startled by a snake and bolted. Wildly they headed across a field full speed toward a cliff.In a panic the poor Blacksmith was shouting WHOA>>>STOP when he remembered the preachers instructions and let out a loud AMEN! The horse stopped just at the edge of a thousand foot cliff, stones tumbled out into space. Releaved the Blacksmith wiped his brow and exclaimed "PRAISE THE LORD"

Two men were marooned on an Island.  One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.  The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die."  "No," said the second man, "for you see I make Rs 5100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week.  My Pastor will find me."

One pastor asked another pastor, "If you were a monkey what would you want to be called?""I dont know",one pastor said."The other one said "monk."

Actual ad in the Drogheda Independant ! FOR SALE BY Pastor. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows freakin' everything.

Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his congregation. He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had a loving wife..who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3 perfect children.........However..............Pastor Bob always left town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour. LIke clockwork. Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's curious schedule and began to ask questions. They went to the PPR Committee with their concerns. "Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?" Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the D.S. The D.S. didn't want to touch it....so he went to the Bishop. Finally after prayer and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him at 2:00 that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After sitting there quietly for some time.......a beautiful silver train streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the Bishop and said,"Isn't that a beautiful sight?" "Yes," the Bishop agreed, "that is a beautiful sight. And is this where you come every afternoon?" "Yes," said Pastor Bob. "I come here to be inspired. It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!!"

Our pastor's wife kept all her lacy things in one drawer, including her Sunday shawl.

This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s. A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.  One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.  As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.  Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”  The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.  When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.” This startled the dozing man.  Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, “I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”

well, after the last "go-round" with the committee, I realized I have much in common with Balaam. I have to bless my enemies and take advice from an a...donkey.

The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news." The congregation got quiet.

"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said. The congregation groaned.

"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof." A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.

"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"

There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated leaving the pastorate.

The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.

Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor."

"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"

"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."

The Preacher And The Music Director

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

The minister had been in his church for 30 years. Everyone loved him dearly but all thought it was time for him to move on. One Sunday he announced that he had received a Call from another parish and he believed it was from the Lord so he was going to leave. Before he could say anything else the Church Secretary jumped and announced, "We will now sing "What a friend we have in Jesus.""

For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church these are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring. 5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I'm older. 8. I really don't have the time. 9. The bathroom isn't warm enough. 10.People who make soap are only after your money.

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identifica- tion. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.

The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?"

"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops".

The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 19th century." Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 20th century?" The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Three ministers were sitting around the table discussing how they might get rid of the bats they had in their respective church bell towers. The first remarked that he had attempted to shoot them. Some had been killed by the shot but, it left holes in the roof and now he had leaks as well as bats. The second said he had tried netting them and driving them out into the country. He complained the bats returned before he did. The third said he had solved his problem. The others asked with interest how? The third minister replied, "I baptized them and confirmed them and I haven't seen them since.

Burglar: "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money". Vicar: "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you".

A Bishop visited a parish to administer the sacrament of Confirmation. The Pastor, a young progressive, approved a liturgical dance during the Mass and the Bishop was not advised. During the dance a young lady in flowing robes floated across the sanctuary and in the middle of the dance she presented the Bishop with a rose. As she continued her dance the Bishop leaned over to the Pastor and wispered: "You know of course that if she asks for your head - she will get it."

The Old Preacher was out fishing one afternoon when he heard a noise beside him. He looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher smiled, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A little later, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said to him again, this time with exasperation, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. A little later he checked on the frog again. This time it said, "What's wrong with you, fella. I said I've been bewitched. Just kiss me and I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and said, "Frog, I hate to tell you this, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!"

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead." The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

Sermon Jokes

When my daughter was about three I took her to bed and asked what she would like to pray about.  Promptly she answered: "onions."  We prayed about onions and the next morning I asked why she wanted to pray about onions.  "Because you said in your sermon that we should pray for things we dont like."

True story

Once  I was invited to preach for a Christmas Service in a rural Church.  Seeing that it was very crowded and sensitive to the time issue, I asked the Pastor, 'How long do I have for the sermon?". The pastor replied, You can preach for about an hour".   Still wondering about how I could stretch my manuscript, I soon found out that I was not the only preacher, and the preacher before me also preached for an hour!

Length of a Sermon

How long should a good sermon be? It should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested!

Stop, Thief!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!" GAB in RN

Joke

Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me

Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a second

-Michelle

Joke

A brand new pastor came out to his first church.  As usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to die.   Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals.  He did not have time to write his regular Sunday Sermons.  So he used the sermon from the Sunady before - 3 more times.  The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row.  The Bishop asked what the sermon was about.   The Council couldn't remember, they scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't remember.  The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."

Joke

A Roman Catholic Priest, an Anglican priest and a Baptist preacher were standing near a river conversing when the subject of which church was nearest to the teaching of God arose. The Roman Catholic priest said that of course there was no argument that the Roman Catholic church was they were descended directly from the Apostles, in fact Peter was their first Pope. He said in fact so close are we that I can even walk on water like Jesus and he proceeded to walk on the water to the other side.

The Anglican Priest said the Anglican church was very similar in origin to the Catholics and he too demonstrated his ability to walk on water like Jesus Christ. The Baptist preacher said that he could not care where their origins were, he studied the word and preached it purely, and without any embellishments. Since they could walk on water he should be even better at it. He took one step forward and sunk knee deep into the river. At that the Roman Catholic Priest whispered to the Anglican Priest, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

Joke

A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church."

A sigh of relief went through the congregation.

The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket."

Joke

Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher, Jack came out of church before the preacher had finished his sermon. 

Outside he met a friend who asked, "Has he finished, then?"  

He replied, "Oh yes, he's finished, but he won't stop!"    . . . Keith Alexander

Joke

In years gone by in central Alabama lived Rev. Sam the local Methodist preacher. Rev. Sam had two sons who had the responsability of bringing in the stove wood. Boy's reported to ther dad that some one was stealing the stove wood. So Rev. Sam told his sons that untill futher notice that he would bring in the stove wood himself. This did not bother the boy's at all. Two days later there was a loud crash that came from the neighbors house. Soon after the boy's ran in to report to their dad that the neighbors stove had just blew up. Rev. Sam explained that he had hid blasting caps in the stove wood pile and fron now on it would be safe for them to start being in the stove wood again.      

Joke

One clergy family decided to let their three-year-old son record the message for their home answering machine. The rehearsals went smoothly: “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Then came the test. The father pressed the record button and their son said sweetly, "Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as Jesus comes.”

Joke

A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his sermons - which were rather long and tedious.  One of the congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service, slipped into the pulpit and removed one page at random.
The preacher began.  After a while he reached the point where the page was gone.   "And Adam said unto Eve..."  He paused.   "And Adam, err, said unto Eve...There seems to be a leaf missing!"

Joke

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter from his mother he just got that morning. As he opened it a twenty dollar bill fell out. He thought: "Thanks, mom, I could use that right about now." As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. He thought: "That fella could probably use the Rs 220 more than I."

So he crossed out the names on the envelope and put the Rs 220 in the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters. "PERSEVERE!" So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, while the pastor was eating his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised the young pastor asked him what that was for? The man replied, this is your half of the winnings. "PERSEVERE" came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday, and he paid 30 to 1.

Joke

A sermon should be modeled as a woman's dress... long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting!!!

Joke

Billy Graham's wife Ruth was once asked if at any time during their long married life together, she'd ever thought about divorce. She replied, "No, never divorce - homicide, maybe, but never divorce."

Joke

Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a town in South Carolina, and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a little boy in the main street how he could get to the post office. After the boy had given him directions, Billy said, "If you come to the central Baptist church tonight, I'll tell you how to get to heaven." The boy replied, "No thanks, you don't even know how to get to the post office!"

Joke

There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The monkeys, being afraid, responded, "YOU are!" The lion replied, "And don't you forget it!" The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants. The little lion roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his trunk, swung him around and around and threw him in the river. Battered and wet, the little lion replied, "Just because you didn't know the answer to the question didn't mean you had to get nasty about it!"

Most of us roar through life without God in the same way - as if we are kings of the jungle - until life throws us in a tail spin and shows us that we are not.

Joke

A Baptist preacher, while beginning his text, said this to the congregation: "I'm gonna tell you the same thing Elizabeth Taylor told all her husbands. And that is - 'I'm not gonna keep you long!'" SLM

Joke

A young and new lay preacher was asked to lead an evening service at a church he had not visited before. A few days before the service he met a farmer who he knew to be a member of the church he was to visit. The hugely over-weight farmer was apologetic, saying that he would not be at church that evening and what was his sermon text? The preacher told him, and even went through how he was to expound the particular scripture. The farmer was delighted that he had shared it with him and went on his way. > > The preacher decided that he would attend morning service that Sunday at the church to get a feel for the place and its ambience. As he took his pew he noticed a ladder left against the side of the pulpit. When the service began he was surprised to see that the farmer was the preacher. As he could not get into the pulpit by the narrow door the farmer had to climb the ladder and swing himself over the pulpit side. He then proceeded to preach the same sermon as that prepared by the young preacher. The young man was extremely annoyed after he had put hours of work into his sermon for that evening. > > When he eventually entered the pulpit that evening, he announced to the congregation, “My text this evening is St John, Chapter 10, verse 1, ‘Jesus said, verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber! ’” Keith Alexander.

Joke

One Evangelist said, "My sermons are like chickens with their heads cut off- once you think the sermon is done, it just jumps back up and runs in another direction!"

Joke

Fishers of men. In the children's sermon I had the children share how to catch fish. Then I asked what we would need to do to catch people. One boy answered: "Throw them in." bc in MO

Joke

Our Catholic preist likes to tell of a time when he'd said "I think there is something wrong with my mike". Well he was right, the mike was not on so the congregation had not heard him but assumed he'd said his usual "May Christ's peace be with you". The congregation gave its typical response of "And also with you."

Joke

A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't struck oil, stop boring!

Joke

A priest whose sermons were very long and boring, announced in the church on a Sunday that he had been transferred to another church and that it was Jesus' wish that he leave that week.

The gathering in the church got up and sang : "What a Friend we have in Jesus !"

Joke

I was a 60 year old widow when I remarried a widower of the same age from our church. We decided on a church wedding, and my husband's daughter was explaining to her 3 year old what would happen at the ceremony. She did not go to church, and he had never been either. She told him, "Now, first the preacher will come out, and then Grandpa will come out the door after him." > Not knowing what a "preacher" was, the little boy asked, "Will the CREATURE hurt us?" He thought it was a comic-strip creature that would come out.

Joke

True story: A preacher instructed his congregation to boycott Hardee's restaurants because he saw the sign at Hardee's that read "free condoms." Unfortunatley for him, he had misread the sign. It actually read, "free condiments."

Joke

A woman by the name of Gladys Dunne was visiting a church for the first time. After the service, as the congregation was exchanging greetings, she extended her hand to a parishoner and said, "Hi, I'm Gladys Dunn." The parishoner says, "I'm glad he's done, too!" Submitted by Bud Brooks, Pastor, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

Joke

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, "Pastor, that was a very good sermon." The pastor says, "Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." "It wasn't THAT good!" she says.

Joke

The definition of a good sermon: It should have a good beginning. It should have a good ending. And they should be as close together as possible.

Joke

I once heard of a pastor who was offering a series of children's sermons on the symbols of the church. On one Sunday the pastor was speaking about vestments and asked the question, "Why do you think I wear this collar?" To this question came the response, "Because it kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months."

Joke

One  beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation:   "My good  people,  I have here in my hands three sermons...a Rs 21000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a Rs 2500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a Rs 2100 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.

Joke

Three ministers were discussing the problem of bats in the attic at church and how difficult they were to get rid of. The first minister said that his congregation had tried "smoking them out", but they still came back. Another had tried poisoning them, but enough survived to repopulate the attic. The third minister shared his solution: "I just baptized and confirmed them all, and they NEVER came back!"

Joke

Young Assisant Pastor Bill was giving his 427th children's sermon. "Now kids," says Pastor Bill, "What's green, lives in the pond, sits on a lily pad, and hops?" The children looked at each other with vacant eyes as silence ruled that magical time. "Surely, someone has an idea?" Finally, little Susie stood up and said, "Well, it sounds like a frog, but it must be Jesus!"

Joke

What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and lays it on top of the pulpit before his sermon? Usually nothing.

Joke

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Joke

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Joke

One Sunday Evening our Pastor, who is as long winded as they come, was preaching up a storm. And I suppose he had even almost put himself to sleep. He was preaching his heart out and saying "For God will never leave you, nor forsake you." As he drew to close that evening He said " And remember tell someone you leave em before you leave." He never realized what he said but the whole congregation got a good chuckle out of it as we all turned to one another and said "I leave Ya" It was a fun moment. LOL God Bless you all.

Joke

A flat-lander was invited to preach in a mountain Baptist church. He was worried, remembering that they eschewed educated preachers and were known for their fundamentalism and simplistic approach to the gospel. He preached with masterful command of allegory and hard truths veiled in simile. At the close of his message he gave the expected invitation and just one old gentleman in starched overalls responded. He came forward and whispered in the minister's ear, "Young feller, I want you to know that I know that just because the water's muddy, don't mean it's deep!"

Joke

The old preacher had spent 40 years pastoring in the same church and was highly respected in the community. The end of his life was drawing near and as he lay on his death bed he ask for the local banker and the local lawyer to come and spend his last hours with him. Both were impressed that they would be ask and discussed amoung themselves what great pearl of wisdom the old pastor wished to share with them. As they enter his room he motioned for one to sit on his left and one on his right. As they sat down a great peace came upon the man of God, 30 minutes passed and not a word was spoken. Finially the banker leaned forward and ask, Reverend, we were wondering what great pearl of wisdom you may want to share with us since you called us here. The old preacher looked at him and replied, "as you know Jesus has been my example all my life, and since he died between two theives I decided thats the way I wanted to go".

Joke

Preacher with bandaid on his chin; "I'm sorry about this bandaid. I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon"

Voice from the congregation: "Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"

As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I am sure you were fine."  --Sue in Cuba, KS

What's the difference between giving God a thithe and giving a tip?    A tip is 15%.

There was a preacher that was trying out for a church. He always used notes when he preached but he wanted to really impress the congregation with his knowledge of the word, so he taped his notes to the inside of his suit jacket. He began preaching, he said, "Brothers and sisters the first man in the bibles name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Adam.". He began to preach on Adam for awhile. He went to another point and said, "Brothers and sisters the name of the man who built the arks name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Noah.". He preached on Noah for awhile. About this time, he had been preaching with so vigoursly and did not notice that the notes he had taped to his jacket had fallen to the floor. He said to the congregation, "Brothers and sisters the man who the bible says was after God's own heart was, he pulled open he jacket and said, JC Penny!".

At a preacher's convention a preacher got up and started his sermon with this sentence; "I spent the
best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife!"  As the congregation gasped he said, "She was my mother!"
Back home a young preacher decided to use this line in his sermon, but he was feeling a bit uncertain that he
remembered it right.  Forging ahead he started with, "I spent the  best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife". 
The congregation gasped and the preacher paused, forgetting what the punch line was.    After a few nervous moments he said,
"And I can't remember who she was!"

A pastor was preaching on the Minor Prophets...all
twelve of them in one sermon. After two hours he was
only half-way through his message. Everyone was getting
restless. Most had stopped paying attention. After four
hours, to everyone's relief, he said "Finally...". It
was almost over, they thought. Then to their horror,
the Pastor said, "Oh my, I forgot about Micah...what
shall we do with Micah?". One old lady sitting right
in front could take no more. She stood up and said,
"Hey, preacher! Micah can take my seat...I'm going
home!".

The Reverend Doctor Baptist preacher was holding revival at a rural church. After three inspired sermons one of the senior saints of the congregation commented as she shook his hand on her way out:

"Sir, when they told my we were having one of those professor types to preach our revival, I was not expecting to get much out of it.  But may I say that for a PhD, you preach like a man with no education at all."

A Pulpit committee went to hear a prospective minister preach.  The best thing they liked about his sermon is that it was only 10 minutes long.  They immediately called him as their new Pastor.  His first week in the new church he preached a 30 minute sermon.  The next week his sermon was almost 2 hours.  The Deacons met with him and asked him to explain.  His response was, that the first time the committee heard him preach, he had a new set of dentures in his mouth that hurt him terribly so he could barely preach 10 minutes and had to stop talking because of the pain.    The second time he preached, he said that his dentures felt fine so he preached a normal 30 minute sermon. They said that explains those 2 sermons, but please explain to us this last sermon that was 2 hours long.  He said that's easy, I got up that particular morning and accidentally put My Wife's Dentures in my mouth, and when I started talking I couldn't shut up! 

A Methodist preacher was getting really enthusiastic in his preaching to a group of Christians all gathered at one location, when he said "It's great to see so many Methodists here today".  A voice from near the front said "I'm C of E".  Seeing an interesting discussion there he turned to the man and said "Why are you C of E?".  "Because my father was, and my father was because his grandfather was".  This wasn't quite what the Methodist had been aiming for so he tried a different way: "What if your grandfather had been mad?    What if your father had been mad as well?".  "Well", came the reply "I guess I would be a Methodist"

Preacher: Can everyone hear me at the back?
Voice from the back: Yes, but I wouldn't mind changing seats with someone who can't.

A preacher preached a vigorous sermon and a lady in the congregation praised him highly and suggested that he should publish his sermons. The preacher told her he was planning they be published posthumously. To which she replied, "Well good, the sooner the better."

A young man preaching for the first time stood before the people as the moments passed. At last, opening his mouth, slowly he began to speak,..."On the way here this morning,. only God and I knew what I was to share with you,...and now oly God knows!                          JLR

One Sunday after the preacher had preached a vigorous sermon, he was met by a little old lady at the door who said, "You know Pastor, every sermon you preach is better than your next one."

If you believe that the Spirit moves the best on the back two pews... You might be a Baptist.

Two snakes slithering down the road. One snake turned to the other and asked are we poisonous?  The other snake replied I don't know why do you ask?  He said cause I just bit my lip.  THIS IS AN EXCELLENT ICE BREAKER FOR VISITING PREACHERS.

A pastor was bragging that it only took him the time to walk from the parsonage to the church to get his sunday sermon so the congregation bought him a new house 10 miles from the church.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.    After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A young preacher was preaching his first sermon and he laid his notes out on the pulpit and about that time in came a blast of wind and blew his notes out of the window. Nervous the young man laughed and said I am sorry I lost my notes I guess I will just have to trust God.

Many years ago a missionary priest was sent Korea to help out the aged parish priest.    Altough he had good training in the language it was the rule of his order that he not preach a sermon in the Korean language for two years when he had gotten grasp of the various colloquelisms.

After about a year he began to hint to the older priest that he should be allowed to preach a sermon; after all he conversed with the people on the street quit nicely. 

After several months, the pastor finally relented and allowed him to preaach the next Sunday.  Whereupon he wrote, what he felt, was the best sermon he had ever written and delivered it at one of the Sunday Masses.

Afterwards he approached the village elder and asked, "Papa San tell me please what you thought of the sermon today?"

Papa San replied, "Was good sermon. But am confused."

"Why are you confused?", asked the priest.

With a bow of respect the elderly gentleman answered, "Can not undertand why you speak of Great Pig."

The young priest waited the full two years before trying to give another sermon.  You see, in that village the word for "God" is the same as the word for "pig".  It is the tone of voice one uses which makes the differen between the two. 

This was told to me by a missionary priest who says it absolutely true.

EZ

A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention. Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up." The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?" The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."

Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad writes something called a poem he gets like Rs 2100 for it." Says the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's like Rs 2200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for it.

The preacher was shaking hands with the members of his congregation after a service when one man approached him and said, "That was a wonderful sermon today, pastor!" Filled with christian modesty, the preacher replied, "Oh, it wasn't me, it was God." To which the reply came, "It wasn't that good."

A new Preacher came to his first church, a little old country church. The first Sunday, only one person showed up for the morning service, a little old man in bib-over-alls. The Preacher said to the man, "Brother, your seem to be the only one to show up this morning, should I preach or what?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher, I'm just an old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay, and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that cow!" The Preacher, inspired by these words of wisdom, began to preach like he never had before, he preached every thing he had learned or heard and then began to make up stuff, finally after 2-hours, he finished. He looked to the little old man and said, "Well brother, what did you think of my first sermon here?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher,I'm just a little old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I wouldn't dump the whole load on him!" ceb 8/5/99

What do you call it when the elders agree with the Minister's plans?

Ans. "Time For Supper"

Commitment: The chicken and the pig were walking past the church one day and discussing the problems of world hunger. The chicken suggested that between her species and the pig's they could provide everyone in the world with a good breakfast of bacon and eggs every morning. The pig thought long and hard before replying, 'That's OK for you to say, because from you that's only a contribution - from me that's total commitment!'

The preacher was in the middle of his sermon when a man all of a sudden had a heart attack. They called the ambulance and made sure everyone remained where they were as they waited. The paramedics came and enter the sanctuary and went to half the congregation before they actually found the man that was really dead.

It was at the cemetery, on Memorial Day. The little boy asked his mother why some of the graves had flags on them. She explained, "Those are the ones that died in the service". He replied, "Was that the morning worship service or the evening worship service.

A child's version of his nightly prayer:

Now I lay me down to rest, I pray the Lord I pass the test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take!

One day a little girl went up to her mother and said, "Mommy I have a stumicache!" Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty dear, you have to put something into it." Later that night when they had the pastor over for dinner he said,"I have a headache!" The little girl smiled and replied, That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

This is kinda cute: One Sunday when a faithful Christian had no sermon to attend he took his father's advice to do something that he had never ever done before. He went bear hunting as his father suggested. Believe it or not, the first time he goes bear hunting ever he sees a bear who grows rather suspicious of him. The bear advances toward the christian man and the man gets shaken from this and he runs away from the bear (not a good idea!) He tries to climb up a near-by tree but fails and loses his balance completely! The man his numbed in fear but he still tries to pretend like he's dead. But the bear knows better and he gets up on his hind legs and he makes himself big. The bear is ready to attack the man. Just as the man thinks that he is surely going to die he prays to god in his head and he says: "Please god don't let me die! Not now! Not today!" He prays tog od and says: "please god I wish for you to transform this bear into a christian!" The man looks up and he is releived as the bear kneels down to the ground, puts his paws together and says: "Dear god thank-you for this food that I am about to recieve!"

One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." Then the Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a good show for the nickle you put in the collection plate." BB-AL

One Sunday after the usual sermon, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation to prepare for next week's sermon. He said the sublect would be lying and that everyone needed to read the 17th chapter in the book of Mark. Everyone uttered a sound of approval. Next week after the congregational singing the preacher said,"If you read Mark 17 please raise your hand." And everyone in the congregation did. Then the preacher said, "Now I am ready to start my sermon on lying" And he stated "There is no Mark 17!!" Remeber to read your Bible and to never lie to the preacher! God Bless!

A preacher was off Rs 2500.00 to do a funeral of a man that was the worst sinner in the world, the only stipulation was that he had to refer to him as a saint in his sermon, The day of the funeral, the preacher got up and said: this man was a drunk, he was a cheat, he was thief, but incomparison to his brothers he was a saint.

A true story: A methodist minister from England did an exchange with a minister from America. As he was arriving on a Saturday and was expected to preach on the following day he arrived all prepared!

At the appropriate time he stood up and announced "My sermon this morning is on the three buts"!! He couldn't understand why most of the congregation were grinning. Fotunately they soon realised he meant but, they'd heard butt. - Don Maskell (East Yorkshire, UK)

This is simlar to another joke on this page...

An Englishman was traveling in the United States where he heard that ministers regularly used humor in the pulpit. He decided he would try to learn from the example of his American colleagues. One Sunday he found himself in a large Methodist Church. Suddenly the minister said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation was in shock until he drew himself up and said, "My mother." The congregation then laughed and the Englishman thought, "Jolly good! I must remember that!" On his return to England he entered the pulpit and decided to repeat the story told by the American. "The best years of my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife." At this point he drew a complete blank. The congregation began to whisper and murmur. His wife folded her arms and became cherry red. His mother-in-law, who had come to church that Sunday was gritting her teeth. So he repeated himeself (hoping to remembed the punchline): "The best years of my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife... ." Alas, to no avail. So he said "For the life of me I cannot remember who she was!" Now there was pandemonium in the congregation. Some key lay leadership were heading for the doors, when he rememered! And he shouted out, "Oh... oh yes, I remember now. It was the mother of a Methodist minister in America!" her teeth buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."

Note over the baby changing station at a united methodist church: WE SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP BUT WE SHALL BE CHANGED.

After an exceptionally long and boring sermon the congregation filed out of the church not saying a word to the pastor. After a while a man shook the pastor's hand and said, "Pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was ecstatic. "No-one has ever said anything like that about one of my sermons before! Tell me, how did it remind you of the peace and love of God?" "Well", said the man, "it reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all human understanding and it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever!"

A new preacher from the East just received his first church home in the foot hills of Montana. He arrives in time to greet the outgoing preacher who gives him a warm welcome and helps him get established in the parsonage. Being Wednesday now, the new preacher decides to get started on his first sermon, which he labors over for the next 3 days. Practice, practice, practice! On Sunday morning, he comes to church, climbs up into the pulpit and looks down into the congregation - only to see one cowboy sitting in the front row. Somewhat disappointed, he asks the cowboy, .." I've practiced my sermon for quite some time, but since you are the only one here, maybe I should just skip it. What do you think?" The cowboy replied,.." Well, if I went out to the pasture to feed my cattle, and only one cow showed up - I would certainly feed it!" Reassured, the new preacher lit into his text with full zeal. 45 minutes later, exausted from his efforts, the preacher asked the cowboy,.." well, what do you think?" The cowboy replied,.." Like I told you, if I went to the pasture to feed my cattle, and only one cow showed up - I would feed it............but I sure wouldn't give it the full load!!!"

I have a friend who has a poster in his office which speaks volumes. A pastor is in front of his congregation, preaching for all he is worth. Hundreds of parishioners sit before him. And there in the front row is Jesus ---- asleep.

Several churches now serve coffee after the sermons. Maybe this is to make sure they are fully awake before driving home.

Ordinand to Bishop: "Bishop, that was a great sermon, but sometimes I couldn't tell when you were talking about God and when you were talking about bishops".

Bishop: "Young man, in your situation, you would do well to blur the distinction".

Before a pastor began to preach one Sunday morning he thought he should explain why he had a Bandaid on his chin. "As I was shaving this morning I was thinking about today's message when I lost my concentration and accidentally cut my chin with the razor." He then went on to preach the longest message of his life. After the service one of the teens greeted the pastor and said, "Pastor, next week why don't you think about your shaving and cut the sermon." Mark Patterson

We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Methodist family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly "out" in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymn book. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.

Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."

Miscellaneous Jokes

        Add Your Joke here, email it to info@javacasa.com

Your contribution will be added to this page within 48 hrs.

The pastor of a local church met a parishioner while walking along the street.  He stopped the man and asked why he did not attended church regularly.  The man replied that the sermons were okay, but he said, "Every time I go to church you sing the same songs!"  The pastor, who was quite proud of the diversity in the church's music, asked the man which songs was he referring to.  Then the man said, " Silent Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem."   Edward Guldner

What Would Jesus Drive?

Environmentalist Christians recently looked with dismay at the fuel efficiency of American cars and asked "What would Jesus drive?"

Maybe this hand-made sign observed on the back of an Amish horse and buggy in Pennsylvania has an answer: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

God was finished

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"

Joke

A chaplain was preaching to a congregation on a Royal navy ship, just after they had spliced the main brace(had their daily tot of rum).  He chose to speak on the dangers of drinking alcohol. To prove his point he did a little demonstration. He had two glasses in the pulpit one with water and one with Overproofed rum from the spirit room of the ship. He proceeded to drop a worm in the glass of water and it swam around and he dropped a worm in the glass with the rum and the worm died instantly. He then asked what was the moral of the demonstration, and a sailor in the front row obviously in an advanced state of inebriation said "if you are troubled with worms,drink rum"

Joke

An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes home every night drunk.   What will I do?"

Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."

The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is here!"

The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

From Fr. Ted's tapes. Toronto Canada

Joke

A young boy wished his teenage sister the sign of peace at Mass one Sunday. What did you say she said to him and listened carefully to his reply. Busy, Busy, Boo he said. She was shocked when she heard his answer. It is not Busy, Busy, Boo she said. It is "Peace be with you".

Joke

The Definition of a modern day Christian:
One who goes to church on Sunday to ask for forgiveness for what he did on Saturday and what he will do on Monday!

Joke

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"

Joke

TRUE ORIGINS OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.........and that is how it all began.

Joke

A man had been down on his luck, strapped financially. One day, he received $200 anonymously in the mail. He decided to tithe this blessing. He was looking outside his window from the second floor and below stood this disrumpled, down-and-out looking fellow by the pay phone. Here was an opportunity to put his tithe to direct use. So, he puts $20 in an envelope and writes on the outside of it "Don't despair," and drops it out the window. The fellow looks up a little puzzled, but takes it and goes into the phone booth. The next day, there was a knock on the door, and there he stands, handing him several hundred dollar bills. "What's this?," the first fellow says. The disrumpled-looking fellow answers, "It's your share. 'Don't Despair' paid 50 to 1!" ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

Joke

This fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand that stood just outside his workplace, placed $2.00 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you." "Oh, I know," the fellow says," you want to know why I lay down $2.00 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?" "No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50." ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

Joke

Take whatever humor you may out of these jokes, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email!

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was always in trouble with the law. 3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He had no permanent address. 3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion.

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.

Joke

I was driving down a highway when suddenly I came upon a church that had a sign out front that read: "Have trouble sleeping? Come hear one of our sermons!"

Joke

There was a family that was very interested in buying a family pet. They decided that it would have to be a Christian pet. So they go to the Christian pet store and begin looking at different animals. They ask to see one dog in particular. The store employee brings it out and says, "this dog does numerous tricks, go fetch.." the dog runs away and brings back a bible. "Look up John 3:16..." the dog flips through the bible and finds the verse. The family was very impressed so they took the dog home. That night the neighbors came over to see the new pet. The father of the family says, "our new dog is incredible. He does lots of tricks...go fetch.." and the dog returns with a bible. "Look up John 3:16.." and the dog finds the verse. The family stands proudly behind the dog as the neighbor asks, "that's great but does he do any normal tricks?" The father nervously looks at his wife and says, "sure! uh...heel..." The dog jumps on his lap, puts his paw on the man's forehead and starts praying.

Joke

A man fell off a cliff and was hanging precariously from a tree branch. He cried out "God, please help me!" God answered, "Have faith and I will protect you. Let go of the branch." The man, stunned, cried out, "Is there anyone else up there?"

Joke

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Joke

One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. >We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?" >God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." >The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Joke

A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"

Joke

One day a boy came home from school who had just gotten his learners permit. He said to his dad, who was a minister, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible, and get a haircut, and then we will discuss the use of the car. > > The boy said, "Okay." > > A month later the boy came back and siad to his father, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up. You've studied your bible diligently. But you haven't gotten a haircut. > > The boy paused a moment. And then said, "Well Dad, I've been thinking about that. Sampson had long hair, Noah had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." > > And his father said, "Yea, and they WALKED every where they went!" By: Bailey of Kingsport

Joke

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. > > If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat?

Joke

Do you know why anteaters never get sick? ........

They are full of little ant-i-bodies

Joke

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Joke

The drought in Georgia has affected our different faith communities in different ways. The Baptists have taken up sprinkling, the Methodists are using damp cloths to baptise and the Presbyterians are giving out rainchecks. [MS in GA]

Original quote by Pastor Dan Schaefer, Puyallup Wa.: The problem with most Christians is they want "microwave" answers to "crock pot" prayers.

Joke

A burglar had forced entry into a residence when he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."  He looked toward the sound of the voice and noticed a parrot roosting in its cage.  At this time the parrot said, "Hello, my name is Elvis."  The burglar rhetorically asked, "What kind of an idiot would name a parrot Elvis?"  To his surprise, the owner of the home replied from the darkness of the room, " The same idiot who named this Rottweiller Jesus."   The last sound the burglar heard was, "Grrrrrr."  

Joke

Today's market activity:

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

Invest wisely!

Joke

why did the chicken cross the road he saw that the side he was on said...$1.00 for breast,thighs,and legs!!!By:Bryan of Cal City

Joke

One day an elderly couple walk into Micki D's and Order one sandwhich, a large fry, one drink and an extra cup.

They found a table and sat down. The husband cut the sandwhich in half and gave part for himself and the other half to his wife. Next he divided the fries evenly, one for her one for him. Then divided the drink.

A man watched as they divided their food. The man watched as the woman started eating and the man just sat watching. So the young man asked if they needed money to buy more food, The old man replied" No thanks , We share everything 50/50; it's her turn with the teeth".

Joke

Two old buddies were reflecting on life and started talking about baseball.Finally they were discussing whether or not baseball was played in heaven.After awhile they came to an agreement.Whoever died first would come back and tell the other if they played baseball in heaven.Eventually one of the men died.About two weeks later as the other fellow was in bed for the night, his friend came to see him.He asked him,"Hey old buddy is there baseball in heaven?" He answered,"I've got good news and bad news.The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."

Joke

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," he replied. "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law".

Joke

What is St. John's Wort?

It's an anti-depressant found in a Christian bookstore.

_______________________

During a recent drought, I called a friend and asked how dry is it there? He replied, "It is so dry, my catfish have wood-ticks."

Shocked, I called a friend who was experiencing rain, rain, and more rain. I asked, "How much rain did you have anyway?" She replied, "I am not sure, but the white perch ate my tomatoe plants."

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?"  replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's."

Student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

A woman wearing an enourmous flowery hat was stopped at the door of the church by one of the ushers. "Are you a friend of the groom?" he asked, "Of course not!" snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."

Two curates were talking, one said "How do you get on with the young women in your parish?"
The other replied, "I seek safety in numbers. How about you?"
The first curate replied, "I take refuge in exodus".

SAW ON THE BACK OF AUTOMOBILE:  I started years ago with nothing - I still have most of it left

Groceries from the devil

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He
thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
redicule her. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was
praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what
He was gonna do.  

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph
. . .I'll  fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch,rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would
do. 

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she
began to praise the  Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When the atheist finally caught her, he asked what
her problem was . . .

She said, "I  knew the Lord would provide me with some
groceries but I didn't know he made the devil pay for them!"

A little boy was fidgeting during worship one Sunday morning.  Spotting a big brass plaque with dozens of names engraved on it ensconced in the back wall, the little boy asked his father, "What are all those names on that plaque?"
The father helpfully answered, "Those are the names of all the members of our church who died in the service."
Wide eyed, the little boy then asked, "Was that the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

RECALL NOTICE!
IMPORTANT!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component or heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.

Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component

The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in your area is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.

A lesson on GREED:

A young, very successful, career oriented man was driving his prized possession, (his $100,000 Porsche Automobile) one night when he had a terrible accident.  He flipped the car several times.  When the police arrived, he was walking around in a daze saying:  "Oh no, not my Porsche, not my Porsche".  The Police officer took one look at him and said: "Sir, we've got to get you to the hospital, you're bleeding terribly".  It was as if the young man didn't hear him, he just kept repeating:  "Oh no, not my Porsche".  Finally, the Police officer walked around him to check out all of his injuries.  He frantically cried out to the young man:  "we've got to get you to a hospital, your left arm has been cut-off in the accident", to which the young man replied:  "oh no, not my Rolex too!"

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a
necessary part of modern life.  But have you ever
wondered, "what if God decided to install voice
mail?"  Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now.  However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses
as you call God in prayer? If you would like to
speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a
psalm while you hold, please Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security
number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

How about:
This office is closed for the weekend please
call during normal business hours,
or...
We are closed to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again tomorrow after 9:30 AM.  If you
need emergency assistance when this office is
closed, please contact your local pastor.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

A woman went up to a highly respected clergyman and asked him,"How would you cope with a serious drink problem?"
He replied, "With a corkscrew, madam."

One day God was looking down on the earth and saw all the evil that
was going on. He decided to sent an angel to earth to check it out
first hand. He called on his very best female angel and sent her to
earth for a short while. When she returned, she told God, yes
indeed, it is truly bad on earth. 95% of the people are bad and only
5% are good.  God thought for a moment and decided he better send a
male angel down to get both points of view. So, he called upon his
best male angel and sent him to earth.  When the male angel returned
he went straight to God and told him that the female angel had been
correct. Indeed, 95% of the people on earth were bad and only 5%
were good.  Again God stopped to think,this was not a good thing at
all.  Finally God decided to send an E-mail to the 5% of the people
that were good to encourage them to continue on the right path.
Something to keep them going  even though the odds are against them.


Do you know what that E-mail said?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
So, you didn't get one either?

Pray for the dyslexic devil-worshipper.  He sold his soul to Santa!

What's the difference between a muscian and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!

                 BILLBOARD MESSAGES IN FLORIDA

You think it's hot here? - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

What part of "thou Shalt Not..."didn't you understand? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test) - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

Let's meet at My house Sunday before the game. - God

That "love thy neighbor" thing, I meant it. - God

My way is the highway. - God
Don't make me come down there. - God
I don't question your existence. - God

Two men were marooned on an Island.  One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.  The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die."  "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week.  My Pastor will find me."

Pete and Sally had been married for 59 years, not always happily - by the way. Pete had recently been hospitalisedwith a sever illness. The doctor has told Pete and Sally to go home as there is no hope for Pete. It is a matter of hours, and Pete might as well die at home.
     Sally takes Pete home, tucks him in bed, and pats his head as she carries on with her tasks.
     Pete lays in bed pondering his remaining hours when an aroma comes wafting up the stairs. Pete cries, "Sally, what's that smell?" He struggles out of bed when she does not answer the call, and he crawls to the door. Once again he cries out, "Honey, what's that smell? It smells so good." Again there is no answer, so Pete musters all his remaining strength and crawls down the stairs to the kitchen. He rises up as high as his strength will allow and there on the couter, the table, on everywhere, are giant cholocate chip cookies cooling. She does really love me after all, he thinks. She has made my favorite cookie for me befor I die.
     With all his remaing strength he pulls himself up on his feet and staggers to the closest cookie. He is just about to take a big bite of the warm and moist treat when a rolling pin nails him of the head and Sally says, "Don't you take one bite of even one of those cookies. Those cookies are for the funeral."

A wise man once said ministers are like manure.

They work best when they are in the field, but they stink when they are clumped together.

Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road? 

A:  Just to prove to raccoons that it CAN be done.

This story might be apocryphal. One day an elderly Kansas farmer from a small community was referred to one of the big Kansas City hospitals. Asked about his religion, he answered, "I'm an Episcopalian." The local parish priest came to visit him.

"I see you are an Episcopalian."

"Yessir. Have been all my life."

"Which parish do you belong to?"

"Well, sir, I don't think I belonged to a parish."

"Which bishop confirmed you?"

"Well, now, sir, I don't rightly think I ever saw a bishop."

"But you listed yourself as an Episcopalian."

"Well, once when I was a young man, I went into a church, and all the people in that church were saying all together, 'We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done'. And ever since then, I knew I was an Episcopalian."

This came to me from a friend - no idea from whence it originated:

Poem on "Y2K" (Based on Psalm 139)

"Year To Kneel" "Yield To the King"

O Lord, You have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down at my PC, and when I step away. You understand my modem, and the whole e-mail thing.

You know the way I let the Internet waste my time, but too, how it has let me keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Even before I've touched the keyboard, You know what I'll write.

It is hard for me to comprehend that You're standing at my shoulder every time I sign on AOL. You are awesome, Lord, and the Y2K uncertainties can't disturb You, like they do me and lots of people around me.

Where can I go that Your Spirit isn't with me? Or could I get away from Your love and protection, if I was running in fear come Jan. 1, 2000?

If my electricity shuts down, You are there. If I have to sleep under two down-comforters to keep warm when my gas furnace fails to operate, You are there. If the city can't keep the water pumping, or my ATM is "out of service," You'll take care of me.

If, on Dec. 31, 1999, I cry, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike, to You.

You made me Lord, and You love me. Your works have no glitches, no shutdowns, no power failures. My days, with or without computers, were planned by You before I was even born!

You, Lord, are without limits, always knowing, and seeing, and doing. Faith in technology is a sin, and I pray for Your forgiveness for the times I've trusted it with my comfort, happiness and cash. Help me to be faithful to You, and not panic when I hear of shortages, outages and chaos.

Help me to be prepared to help others, physically and spiritually. Let me be an enemy of fear-mongers, and help me to show those who are truly afraid of the future how to put their trust in You, Lord, the Almighty One.

Keep Your eye on me, O God, and touch my heart. Give me Your peace, and make me share it with others. Keep my eyes on You, now and forever.

HW in HI

Two honey bees were talking. One complained that he could hardly ever find any nectar anymore, and was always starving to death. The other bee told him about the Jewish Bar Mitzva that was just down the street ..."Plenty of fresh flowers, sweet wine, all you can take", so the first bee made a bee-line for the party. Upon returning a few hours latee, he again encountered tohe second bee, who asked him what that black spot was on his head. Oh, said the first, thats a Yarmaluke ... I didn't want them to think I was a WASP!

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Someone who knocks on doors for no reason!

A pastor's wife brings a lot of religion to the family. Every meal that she prepares for the nourishment of the body is either a "sacrifice of a sweet smelling savor" or "a burnt offering".

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.

But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "I am too late, the government already has."

sumited by Back to Basics

Little Timmy couldn't wait to get home from church and play with his new puppy. When he got home he changed out of his nice clothes and ate lunch all the time thinking about his puppy. When he had finished washing the dishes he ran out side to play. Before long Timmiy's mother heard him shouting, "AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!" His mother couldn't help but look to see what he was doing. When she got out side she saw him pointing at the dog and shouting "AMEN!" "What are you doing?" asked his mother. "Teaching the puppy a trick," said Timmy. "What trick are you teaching him?" "I'm teaching him to sit," said Timmy. "Why are you saying AMEN," asked his mother. "Well," timmy thought, "it always works fot the preacher, he says AMEN and everybody sits down."

This is a good illustration about falling ineo "churchly" habbits.

-sumited by Colonel Dave-

Two men were hikeing in the mountians. It wasn't long until they came across a bear. The bear stood on it's hind legs and let out a bone chilling roar. Ever so slowly the first man reachen into his back-pack, pulled out a pair of sneakers, took off his hikeing boots and started to lace up the sneakers. "Are you crazy?" the second man said to the first, "you can't possibly think that you can out run that bear!" "I don't have to out run the bear," said the first man, "all I gota do is out run you!"

Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? The bible says they came from a fire. (Far)

Why did the tomato cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot

Q: What did the picture say when he went to jail? A: "I was framed."

An arrogant astronomer approached a minister at a party. "Pastor, "the astronomer smugly asked, "wouldn't you agree that all of Christian theology could be summed up in this simple song, 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so'?" "Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!'"

What did the photographer say at the Last Supper? Anyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.

How did the disciples get to the upper room? They all rode over in a Honda. Scripture says "They were all in one Accord.

What Happened To The little Boy that ran through The screen Door? He Strained Himself!

John, an avid golfer, came in from the course one Saturday. His wife, Mary asked him with whom he had played that day. He said,"oh, no one in particular." She asked," Why don't you play with Bill anymore?" John replied," Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you'r trying to play a shot?" " Of course not!" said Mary. John said," Well, neither does Bill."

A man went to the pet store to buy a canary. The store owner sold him one promising him that it would sing gloriously. I man took the bird home and sure enough it sang gloriously. However, at that moment, the man noticed that the canary had only one leg. Furious, he took the bird back to the store and yelled at the owner, "This canry you sold me has only one leg!" The store owner said, What do you want? A bird that can sing or one that can dance?"

The difference between God and a lawyer? God knows He is not a lawyer.

Seen in a church newsletter: This publication tries to include something for everyone, therefore if you find a mistake be assured we intentionally published it. It is put there for all the folks that are always looking for a mistake.

My friend David was greeting people at the rear of the sanctuary one Sunday. A kindly older woman approached him with a big smile on her face, trying to be helpful and said,

"Oh Pastor, every sermon is better than the next."

Hermeneutics in Everyday life!

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?

That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign. 1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.

3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does.

5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."

8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!

10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P.

11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back.(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.

12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."

13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.

not original -- source unknown HW in HI

Once upon a time there were two preachers who loathed one another. One day one of them said to the other, "I bet you couldn't preach extempore on any subject I gave you." "I bet you I could," said the other. "OK," said the first, "I'll leave a card in the pulpit on Sunday. Whatever is on that card, you've got to preach on it." "No problem," said the other one, "and I tell you what - I'll find an appropriate text as well. So there!" Well, Sunday came, and the first preacher thought to himself, "I'll fix that so-and-so. He'll never be able to preach on this." And on the card he wrote one word - CONSTIPATION - and he put the card in the pulpit. At the proper time in theservice, the second preacher went up into the pulpit, turned over the card, and thought for a moment. Then he said, "My text today is from the Book of Exodus - 'And Moses took the tablets, and went down the mountain....'"

There once was a minister preaching at a church as a guest. There was something wrong with his microphone. So he said to the congregation "Something is wrong with this microphone." The congregation responded with an "and also with you."

Did you know God is a baseball fan? "In the Big-inning..."

Question: Where in the Bible is the first mention of medicine ? Answer: When God gave Moses two tablets !

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who had insomnia? He laid awake nights wondering if there is a Dog.

Where's the "BC"

There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: Dear Madam, I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that may people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where everyone can see you. Remember that we are a friendly community. Sincerely, Campground owner

Two Prophets meet. "U R doing fine, how about me?"

Just when you thought kids were not appreciating the concept of prayer--this joke/story: A six year old began to be disruptive in worship. His father leaned over to ask him to be quiet, but the youngster persisted in making noise. Another warning from the father, but again, the child continued to make noise. This time the father reached that invisible line and took the young child in his arms, made his way across the pew all the while the youngster yelling: "Pray for me!" "Pray for me!"

what would happen if the three wise men were three wise women? They would have asked for directions; got there in time to deliver the baby; made a cassarole; and borught disposable diapers as the gift

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite >>> four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was >>3 >>> years old (her first mistake). >>> >>> One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was >>> ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was >>> keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not >>> wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were >>> for special occasions. >>> >>> Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are >>> leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had >>assignments >>> for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. >>> >>> When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into >>> laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came >>my >>> father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of >>> embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a >"special >>> occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. >>I >>> had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My >>> mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the >>other >>> adults into further fits of laughter. >>> >>> "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!

In England chaplains are sometimes seen as not being 'real' ministers. Here is a funny story in which chaplains get their own back: A parish minister went to visit Bob,an elderly member of his congregation, receiving a warm welcome and invited to sit down while the elderly man made them a cup of tea. As he was waiting, the minister spied a bowl of tempting looking peanuts on the table and he thought to himself, 'I'm sure Bob won't mind if I take one or two. One or two became three or four, until the dish was empty. At that point, Bob came in with the tea and the minister said, @Bob, i hope you won't mind, but I've eaten those delicious peanuts.' 'O that's ok,' said Bob, 'since i've had my teeth out, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway!'

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Scripture verse hanging in church nursery: 1 Corinthians 15:51 ". . .we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."

There was a man praying and begain to request things that would help him be a better worker,father,husband and Church member. During his request he asked God to qive him patience;NOW! Lord thy will be done?

Knock knock who's there? Israel Israel who? Is rael nice to see you here!

GRITS: God Reigns In The South!!!

Give your troubles to God: He will be up all night anyway.

How are Arnold Swartzenegger and Jesus alike? They both said, "I'll be back!"

January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

A doctor, an architect, and a lawyer were arguing over who had the oldest profession. The doctor said, "Well the first operation was performed on Adam, so the medical profession is the oldest."

"No," said the architect, "Architechual planning and design was needed to create the earth and the universe out of chaos, so I represent the oldest profession."

"Where do you think the chaos came from?" asked the lawyer.

Three men, one mechanic, one technician and one computer expert were driving in a car along a lonely road at night. Suddenly the car mysteriously stopped and didn't start when the key was turned. The men tried to agree how to solve the situation. The mechanic claimed that it must be a mechanical problem, but the technician was certain that it had to do with some technical disorders. They argued for a while, until the computer expert exclaimed: "All right! Let's do it like this: We all get out of the car and close the doors. Then we open the doors, get back in and try again!"

A man buys a parrot from the pet store. The man's enthusiasm for the bird disappears as the bird begins swearing the foulest profanity the man ever heard. He tries talking to the bird in a soothing tone but the parrot's profanity only gets worse. Finally in a fit of desparation he thrusts the bird into the freezer. The parrot's squawking immediately stops. The man quickly opens the freezer, the parrot walks out and politely asks, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the turkey do?" LMC

People who say they sleep like a baby, generally don't have any.

One of the advantages of living a temperate life is that you can distinguish the flu from a hangover.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".

A devout Christian was met by an angry bear while walking in the woods one day. In desperation and faith he knelt and prayed, "Lord, please make this a christian bear "! In amazment he opened his eyes to see the bear praying also, "LORD, PLEASE BLESS THIS FOOD I'M ABOUT TO EAT"!

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his costomers more than he has been since he became a barber. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said "Today I am Going to witness to the first man that wants to get a shave". So when he opened shop the first man came in and said "I want a shave" so the barber said "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment". The barber went in the back and prayed a little prayer like this"God, the first costomer came in and i'm gping to witness to him. So gine me the wisdom so I know what to say and the right things to say amen." So when the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand he said "Good morning sir. I have a qustion for you...Are you ready to die???

I read about a woman who telephoned a friend and asked how she was feeling, "Terrible," came the reply,"my head's splitting and my back and legs are killing me. The house is a mess, and the kids are simply driving me crazy." Very sympathetically the caller said, "Listen, go and lie down, I'll come over right away and cook lunch for you, clean up the house, and take care of the children while you get some rest. By the way, how is Sam?" "Sam?" the complaining housewife asked. "My husband isn't named Sam." "My heavens," exclaimed the first woman,"I must have dialed the wrong number." There was a long pause. "Does this mean that you're not coming over?"

Mathematics A young lad was doing well in school, doing very well in every subject but Maths. He continued to have problems in the subject in spite of help, positive reinforcement and tutors. In the end it was decided to move him to a Catholic private school. The change was remarkable. Every night with barely a word he went to his room and studied till sent to bed. At the end of the semester he had an A+ but continued to study. His parents asked him if he knew what had made the difference. Was it the curriculum, or the teachers, or maybe his peers. “Oh No” he said. “I knew they meant business from the first day and I saw that fellow nailed to the plus sign!!”

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."

People in Louisiana know that cajuns live longer. A cajun went to the Doctor for a check up. The doctor came with the results and said, "You are in excellent shape for 55 year old man." "Did I say I was 55?" said the cajun. "You mean you're not 55?' said the doctor. "No. I am 75," said the cajun. "Good heavens. You are in remarkable shape. You must have incredible genes. Let me ask you this. How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say my father was dead?"said the cajun. "You dont mean he is alive?" said the doctor. "He sure is. He is 98 and still dancing." said the cajun. "Well let me ask you this, said the doctor. "How old was your grandfather when he died?" "Did I say my grandfather was dead?" "You dont mean he's alive, too? "Why he sure is. Infact, he is 127 and getting married tomorrow." "Getting married! Why in the world would a 127 year old man want to get married?" "Did I say he wanted to get married."

Joke

A faithful priest noticed that on nice Sunday mornings a certain group of parishoners were absent. He later learned that they were playing golf on such wonderful mornings. Now the Priest, a golf enthusiast himself, was dissapointed to miss out each time. > One day he decided to call in sick and play a round of golf himself. He carefully chose a course far away such that he would not be recognized. It was a glorious day and he set out to play. St Peter noticed this bit of hookey and immediately set out to inform God. God said that he knew of this and had it under control. > Meanwhile, the Priest tee'd up on the first hole and knocked in a hole-in-one. > St Peter gasp and said "Lord, I thought you had this under control?" > "I do," said God. > The Priest started the second hole and again hit a hole-in-one. > St Peter was beside himself "Lord, what are you doing? He is having the game of his life! I thought you said you had this under control!" > "I do," said the Lord. "Who's he gonna tell?"

What not to wear at church
A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town.  He went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog pen.

The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should wear."  The farmer agreed.

The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church ...in his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and didn't know what to wear."   submitted by Pastor Stein

An ad ran in our conference newsletter for a church comptroller. The heading: "Church Controller Wanted." I think I know a few I could highly recommend.

submitted by RevSallyo

From Linda Eberly: One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four.  I didn't expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet.  When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 "anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say "Uh-oh"

Liturgical Gaff
One time, during a particularly difficult time in a church job where I was the
assistant, I led the 5:30 Sunday evening communion service.  Afterwards,
an elderly parishioner came up to me and said "Do you know what you said
tonight?"  I looked at her, confused, and said no.  She said, "Well, instead of
"The Lord be with you" (to which the congregation replies "and also with you")
-- you said "The Lord be with me."  She said, "We all sort of stood there,
looked at each other, and then said, "and with us too!"  
And I had totally missed the whole exchange!

Joke

Yet a little while and you see me no longer!
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up afterthe Hymn of Meditation and declared..."Friends...My text for this  morning is'Be not afraid, for it is I !" Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind thelectern for the evening service.  After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacherstood on his platform...vestments fully visible..."Friends...my text for this eveningis...Yet a little while and you see me no longer!" Just then the platform collapsedand down went the preacher.  "StayBlessed"

Joke

Another Overworked Pastor
I was multi-tasking, looking over a bulletin while simultaneously leaving a message on a conference official's voice mail. My eyes falling on the opening prayer of the bulletin, I concluded the voice mail message about a mundane insurance question with "Amen." --Pastor Sally

Joke

What's a rainbow?
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling
after eating skittles.  

Joke

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."

After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together.  The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.

"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."

Joke

three boys were talking about their fathers exelence. One of them said:my father is a great professor.  When he is talking about a subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him!The second boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about his surgery only 5 person in the whole world can realize what he is saying.The third boy said:my father is a pastor, when he is preaching nobody can understand what he is saying.

Joke

My minister was acting secretary for the Christmas season so he had to make the bulletins.  He usually had his teacher wife proof-read them except for one fateful Sunday when the closing hymn was "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"

Joke

Many years ago when I was talking to my Junior Church class I asked them "Do you believe in God?"
Quck as a flash one boy said, "Yes, how else does my mother know when I have been stealing sugar?"

Joke

One sunday morning right in the middle of my sermon My daughter, who was three at the time, stood up on the front pew cocked her thumb back and shouted, "POW! I shot you. You're dead." I started to laugh, but as I looked out at the congregation, there wasn't a smile anywhere. I just wanted to go hide somewhere.

Joke

Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children's arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Annoucements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help "walk" to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the "chase was on."

Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office--I'm the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, "What's the matter?" He replied, "Hide me preacher, there's a 'demon' after me!"

Joke

The first prayer I ever learned was "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food". Unfortunately, I has also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it, quiet Sunday dinner. The family asks the youngest child to say grace. She is nervous--but manages to pray "God is great, God is good, roll him roll him throw him in the pan". Oops!

Joke

One day a family friend, age10, proceeded to read the bible aloud. He did very well until the end when he said "for his name is Snake," rather than 'for his name sake.'

Joke

It was the annual dedication of church officers service and I was a new deacon. One name was on the list 3 times - Doreen Bowles (not Bowels!!). The first time I read it without hesitation as "Doreen Bowels". Paused and backed up and reread it with much embarassment. The congregation tried not to giggle too much. The second time the name came up on the list I did the same thing again but corrected myself faster. Again the congregation titter. The third time I'm looking at the name I go "Doreen," then I paused and went "Bowles" the congregation was just about on the edge of their seat and had to give a sigh of relief. They have as yet to forget it and remind me.

I was so embarassed I was red faced as I apologized to Doreen. She said, "Well at least your not going to forget my name again!"

Joke

This is a true story. We were driving in the church bus, doing a midnight run where we give out coats, bibles, coffee, food, and the good word to the homeless in our area. We passed two girls on the road and the pastor asked them if they needed a coat or food. They said no. He asked them if they wanted a coke. They replied, "No, we're straight!"

Joke

One day a Pastor went to visit one of his church members homes. As he arrived, the mother of the house saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she has gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice "Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of the house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!"

Joke

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion elements in her usual manner. Or at least I thought it was in her usual style. When it came time to uncover the elements, the grape juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discovered why the strange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"

Joke

The other day I was sitting in church and the preacher was preaching about "Rivers of Living Water." Well when he started into his message he slipped and said Livers of living water without even realizing it. No wonder he had a strange look on his face when the congregation was cracking up. He was in the midst of one his most serious sermons and it was dead quiet in the church until he slipped up.

Joke

As a Canadian, I was quite interested with the recent U.S. presidential election. Our political systems are quite different. That difference reminded me of an American missionary who came to speak at our church years ago. As he spoke quickly & with little use of his notes, he had a slip of the tongue & instead of speaking about the sinners & publicans Jesus associated with, he mentionned the sinners & Republicans! (I hope any Republicans will laugh at this true story).

Joke

A minister was making his first visitation to meet members of his congregation. He knocked at the door of the first house but there was no answer. He put his business card under the door, and wrote on it "Revelation 3:20" (Listen! I am standing at your door knocking...)

Next Sunday the verger told him after the morning service that his business card had turned up in the offertory plate. The minister picked it up and saw that underneath the words "Revelation 3:20" were written the words "Genesis 3:10" (...and I was afraid because I was naked...)

Joke

My three year old cousin, Tori, whose father is also our pastor, had learned that Jesus lives in her heart. One day she and her mother were shopping in a small store when a police officer came in. Tori, being terrified of the officer, clung to her mother. When the officer realized that she was afraid, she tried to comfort her by telling her that she wasn't going to hurt her, but still Tori clung to her mom. When the officer left the store, Tori looked at her mom and patted her chest and said, "That woman about scared Jesus out of my heart!"

Joke

My husband teaches the 6th grade Sunday School class at our church. After a few too many discipline problems with a particularly bright but high-strung and disruptive student, he felt a parent-teacher conference was in order. During the conference, the distraught student exclaimed, "But Dad, we're not learning anything - we just look up stuff in the Bible!"

I guess it just didn't occur to him at the time that 'looking stuff up in the Bible' was what his parents (our Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor) did for a living!

Joke

I was attending a Christian rally a few years ago and the speaker shared this in his sermon. His 4 year old son had an endless series of sinus infections. He smelled so bad that you couldn't stand to hold and love him. After many doctors and medications, it was suggested he be taken to a special clinic in Texas. After a short exam, the doctor walked out and said he would be able to help the boy. The minister asked if it was an advanced sinus/infection condition that might require an operation. The doctor replied no! We just have to take out the BLUE NERF BALL that your son jammed up into his sinus cavity with a pencil. GMH

Joke

Every Sunday after I finish playing the piano, I go next door with the children to teach  Sunday School.   One Sunday a girl was waiting in the toddler nursery and her mom asked me to be sure to go by and get her. Well,  as I left the piano, I forgot.  I realized at the end of class what I had done and found the little girl to apologize.  Monday I also dropped a note in the mail to her. The next Sunday I made a point to go retrieve her from the nursery.  "No," she said, "I want to stay here."  I assured her I was really sorry and that I wouldn't forget her.  "No, I want to get another letter from you," she replied.

Joke

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"

Joke

Last Sunday I baptized my seven year old daughter. All week long we "practiced" in our little swimming pool. I thought this was a good way to ease her nerves. Of course I had a helper during those practices, my two year old son. Well, the day was here, everyone was excited, we got into the baptistery and I said a few words then baptized her. As I was bringing her up out of the water, my son realizes we are in water. He then yells, "I want to go swimming too!" Takes off his shirt and tries to run past his Mom.

Joke

ANOTHER WAY TO PRAY (as told by a preacher years ago)

An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC's. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet."

"No," replied the child. "I was praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!"

Joke

As a talkative child of eight, I was prone to whispering to my brother in church. One Sunday as my family and I were leaving the church, the minister knelt down to my level and asked me if my doctor had vaccinated me with a phonograph needle!

Rev. SW in No. On.

Joke

Recently one of our clubs in town had a "Church Parade". All of the women wore their red jackets with the group's insignia on them. Afterward at lunch in a local restaurant, a little boy was overheard asking his sister who the women were. She replied, "Oh, silly! Don't you know? They are the Mounty's mothers!"

Rev. SW in No.Ontario, Canada

'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."


MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"


MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."

When I first used WordStar, I did a spellcheck. It rejected 'Jesus' as unrecognizable. I commanded it to accept 'Jesus', which it did. Since accepting 'Jesus', I haven't had any trouble with the wordprocessor. - Pastor Norman Bromley

Our youth pastor's 4 year old walked up the center isle after service one sunday with his hand on the front of his head.  A woman sitting to his left leaned over and asked him how he was doing and he replied that he had a headache.  Pulling out a roll of life savers, she asked him if he would like one suggesting that it might take away the pain.  She placed it in his palm and he placed it on his forehead.  Confused, he walked away.

I was told when my 7yr. old little boy was visiting his dad, he accidentally got his hand smashed in the door of the car. To comfort my little boy his dad started telling him of all the things that had hurt him when he was a little boy himself. Well, dad ended up saying the worst pain he'd ever felt as a boy was being burned.  My son replied; "Boy, daddy, good thing you're going to heaven because you would really not like hell!"

A 5 year old boy staying with his grandmother wanted to show his love for her. He decided to bring her morning coffee. Although it was lukewarm and had coffee grounds floating on top, she sipped it appreciating his gesture.Then she noticed 3 small green army men in the bottom of the cup. When she asked why they were there the boy replied,"but grandma don't you know the best part of waking up is "soldiers" in your cup?"

When my Granddaughter was about 2, her Grandfather had taught her to say a short prayer before meals. She knew we couldn't eat until this was done. One day during church service the pastor was in an exceptionally long prayer. My Granddaughter decided that it was long enough, so she put her hands together and in a loud voice said, "Dear Lord, Thank you for this food, AMEN. The prayer ended.
Vicki  Gasper River CP Church

Upon leaving church one monring, our Pastor asked our 4 year old son "if the Devil ever tells him to do bad things"?  He replied, "Yes, but Jesus tells him to shut up!"

A true story. Notice on an Anglican noticeboard in Yorkshire England.
"Please help us to keep the dry rot out of our 18th Century pulpit."
Underneath was scrawled "Sack the vicar"

In liturgical churches, the prayers are often preceded by the minister saying, "The Lord be with you" to which the congregation responds, "And also with you."
The new minister in town was having trouble getting used to the local customs about worship, and even more trouble with the Public Address system.  He kept flipping switches and turning dials and couldn't seem to figure out when it was on or off.   Finally, just before the Prayer of the Day, in frustration with the microphone he said, "There must be something wrong with this thing."  Right on cue, the congregation responded, "And also with you."

A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming all through the church service. His father tried several times to quiet him, but to no avail. Just as I was asking for prayer requests, the boy let out a loud yell. His father, obviously at the end of his rope, picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was nearly out the door, I continued asking if there were any more requests when this little voice yelled desperately from across the threshold, "Oh, please pray for me!"

Our minister's little boy noticed that his dad always knelt and prayed during the hymn right before his sermon.  When the boy asked his mom why dad did that, she said "He is asking God to help him".  The boy replied "So, why doesn't God help him?"

Bulletin Bloopers:

If you must heave during the postlude, please do so quietly.

Next week - Communion Sunday.  Come and join us as we break bread and wind together.

A woman moved to a new town and began to look for a church home.  She visited a nearby church that was very beautifully decorated with uniformed ushers both on the outside and the inside of the church.  As the organ played she noticed there was a quietness in the church. (not a sound).  The organist was playing "I've Found Him".  The woman stood and cried out in praise.  An usher rushed over to her and said "you must be quiet in here!"  Embarrased, the woman sat down.  As the song continued the woman again jumped up and cried "Yes, I've found him!"   The deacon then came over to the woman and said "you must be quiet or we will ask you to leave".  The woman replied, "I can't hold my peace . . . I've found the Lord."  The Deacon replied "well you didn't find him in here so you must sit down, be quiet, or leave."

I took my 3 year old grandaughter into our public library to choose some books for "mema" to read to her. In the lobby there was a life-sized replica of a knight in full armour. She stopped dead still and stared at it for a long time. I just knew a question was coming, and so I rehearsed my answer -- trying to decide how to explain what a "knight" was so she wouldn't mistakenly think "night." I didn't have to worry, though -- for she suddenly whispered with great awe: "Look, Mema...a POWER RANGER!"

My minister husband gave an illustration one Sunday morning about a snake. As the congregation filed out, our 3 year old son tugged on his coat and asked, "Daddy, is what you said really true, or were you just preaching again?"

My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her cut and paste brightly colored constuction paper coats and palm branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them, shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"

Every Sunday morning on the way home from church, my wife and I would ask our three year old son to tell us about what he learned in Sunday School. We always knew already, but we liked to see if he was paying attention and learning. One Sunday, the lesson was on Stephen, and how he asked God to forgive the people who were stoning him. I asked my son what we should do if somebody does something mean to us and he replied, "You forgive them and then you die!"

This last week at Elementary church camp the campers learned about the sacredness of creation. A young boy was with his group "creeking" and caught a frog. He turned to his counselor and realized that the right thing to do would be to let the little frog go, as not to have it die. As he released the frog, a fish came to the surface and ate the frog. The boy looked up for a split second, then jumped in the small creek. He caught the fish and beat it over the head with a large stick for killing his frog.

While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted to memorize the page number.(#238)  Right about that time a 'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout "Hallelujah!"  Instead of the intended shout of praise, however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!

When I was a child of about 4 or 5, my dad was called to be the guest speaker at a church one Sunday morning. By way of bribery my parents had told me before arriving at the church that if I were a good boy they would take me to McDonalds after the service. During my Dads rather firey sermon on the destination of the good vs. the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, "And where do you think those that live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go"? With all the fervency of the old time ameners, I stood in my seat and cried out "TO MCDONALDS"!!!

When our oldest son was about three years old, we went to a small country church near our home. After the sermon went on for about twenty minutes, our son became restless. The country preacher asked the rhetorical question "Would you be ready if Jesus Christ came today"? In a voice loud enough for all to hear, our son repeated TODAY!?! In a loud voice. After the congretation stopped laughing the preacher went on another fifteen minutes.

My wife and I were wanting to get back to our christian roots after years of being away from the church as a young couple. So we choose to go to a Catholic Church that she had attended as a child. We had our spirted 2 1/2 year old son with us who spoke remarkably well.  20 minutes into the sermon he was very restless and we were uncomfortable trying to keep him still. When a quiet moment came (you could here a bible close), our son pipes up and says " Dad why does that fat lady have a moustache?" The entire church heard it. We made our way out and didn't go back for years. I'll never forget that moment, and I'll always love him for his honesty, she was fat and had a moustache! Jack & Sky

One man from our church was driving his minivan as there was an accident in front of him with 6 cars involved. He saw the space being enough for him to drive between them, so he did. Immediately, he gets pulled over by a policeman yelling at him that he dented those cars. Amazed at the statement, our brother in Christ said it was impossible because he had about 3 feet of extra space as he drove by.  The policeman measured the van and the space between the cars in accident, and found it was just 1 inch more than the width of his van. At that moment, a few more policemen approached and one said, "I saw your van shrink as you drove by", another one , "It was shining", the chief asked, "Who are you?" Our brother answered, "I am a believer in Jesus" The chief asked, "Can you pray for my officers?" "Yes", he said. "Line up, gentlemen!", he commanded. So our brother prayed for them. So God chose a humorous way to show his abilities and power. "AGAPE Church" Kazakhstan, Almaty

As a fledgling student preacher, one Sunday our whole family lined up at the door to the church when service had ended -- kids first, then my husband and myself last in full clerical garb. Being the first lady preacher they had ever had, one dear soul didn't quite know what she was saying as she approached my fully bearded husband and exclaimed, "And you must be the preacher's wife!"

One Sunday morning, none of the ushers showed up. Each one to be away for one reason or another. So, after the announcements, I had to enlist some people to take up the offering. So, I asked two gentlemen by saying, "Since the normal ushers are not here, would you be willing to take up the offering?" They gladly did it, but I have been hearing from them ever since about how they are not normal!

5 yr. old Alex said "thank you" for his new Bible cover with WWJD on the front. His dad asked, "do you know what those initals stand for?" Yes replied Alex, "www. Jesus Does.com".

A number of years ago when our children were young, my single brother came to visit for a few days. As it happened my husband and I, who are both pastors each had a meeting that night. Uncle David agreed to baby-sit with his two nieces. When we arrived home I inquired how the evening had gone. "Fine," he replied. "What did you do?" I asked. We played "Church" was his reply. How nice, I thought. "What did you do?" I inquired (thinking they had sung hymns, or prayed, or read scripture.) "Well..," he replied "I was the congregation, they were the ushers, and they took up the offering."

Once while on a drive, my wife and I had an terrible argument. After many miles of silence with my wife driving I glanced over to the fuel indicator with was close to empty. I could not resist breaking the ice with a jab about her forgetting to fill up the tank. I leaned over and said "low fuel, Karen". She turned to me with tears in her eyes as she pulled over and stopped, hugged my neck and said, "Oh, I love you too, Lawrence. I just wanted you to say it first"....Dr.Lawrence James Ellison, Fairbanks,AK

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!"

Have you ever noticed how geese fly in that V formation? Have you ever wondered why one side is always longer than the other? Answer- There's more geese on that side!

A local council (in the UK) built a new road (street) in which they also built a number of homes and flats (apartments) for the elderly. They were going to call the street "St. Peter's Close" until some wise person thought it was not appropriate for all the old people living there!

It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.

I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital's fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:

The older I get the better I was.

A true story -

"Bill, what changes have you seen since you came to St. Cuthbert's seventy years ago?"

"A great deal has changed. Before the WW2 I used to sit on that side of the choir...."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

Went to a church homecoming. Saw a woman who said, "Preacher, since I last saw you, I had all my teeth pulled and a new refrigerator put in."

My Choir Director asked me to sing solo for next Sunday's anthem........so low that no one can hear me!

When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord's Prayer to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn't understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years later when I ran across the faded page with the child's writing..... "and lead a snot into temptation".....  

An old lady was on a flight.  She was sitting beside a young businessman.

After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.
The businessman glances at her and said.   Do you really believe those stuff in the  Bible is true?
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got  swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"
"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven  someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he  went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.

Pearly Gates?
Over the massive, carved front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."          

Joke

A man had just had a severe heart opperation and as he was coming to a nun was holding his hand and gently patting it. We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate to ask at a time like this but do you have insurance?" "No mam, he replied."

"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No mam," he replied again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a spinster sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she is no spinster, she is married to God!" "Well send the bill to my Brother-in-law," he replied.

Joke

A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."  "It might be worse," said the preacher.   The friend came unglued: "man alive, how could it be worse?"  to which the pastor replied: "it might be true."

Joke

three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question and answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said, "Welcome to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was immediately handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the other two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was, were outraged. "How come he  gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!" Saint Peter said, "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone."

Gender Role Jokes

A couple were married for 30 years, and on Valentines Day, they were sitting at the breakfast table. He was burried behind his newspaper, and except for the occasional: "unbelievable" he muttered there was no conversation between the couple. So she finally asked him straight out: "do you still love me?" He finally puts down the newspaper and responds in a matter-of-factly tone: "honey, 30 years ago at that altar I said that I did and if anything changes, you'll be the first to know."

A man and his wife  were having an argument about who should brew the coffee.
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it."
The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replied, "Yeah, right!" So she showed him in the Bible where it says:  "HEBREWS"

Where did Bathsheba get her name? King David saw her when she was taking a bath.

When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent snake in the hold.--"Why are you sad and why haven't you left?" asked Noah.--"Because I'm so inadequate" replied the snake.--"Inadequate?" queried Noah.--"Yes" continued the snake, "The Lord commanded that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER." (by David Palmer)

Did you know baseball is mentioned in the Bible?  Genesis  "In the big inning"

One-liners:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for
duty.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
Coincidences happen when God chooses to remain anonymous.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

What US state is mentioned in the bible?
Answer:  Arkansaw.  "Noah looked out of the ark and saw..."

Old Baseball Bible Song (my grandmother taught me):

Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
St. Peter umpired (empired) the game,
Rebecca went to the well with the pitcher,
Ruth in the field won fame.

Goliath was struck out by David,
And a base hit made on Abel by Cain,
The prodigal son made one home run,
Brother Noah gave out checks for the rain.

When God Sends People...They Make Excuses:

Abraham was too old.
Moses stuttered.
Miriam was a gossip.
Jacob was a liar.
Gideon doubted.
Elijah was burned out.
First David's armor didn't fit, then he had an affair, and had
someone killed.
Solomon was too rich.
Isaiah had unclean lips.
Jeremiah was too young.
Jonah didn't like the job.
Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Naomi was a widow.
Peter was afraid of death.
Thomas was from Missouri (the "show-me" state)
Paul was a murderer.
Mark was rejected by Paul.
Timothy had ulcers.
Lazarus was dead.
Martha was a worry-wart.

...or so they claimed, before God's Spirit empowered them to rise to the occasion and become some of the greatest heroes of our faith.

Indiana Jane

How many animals did Moses take on the Ark?  None.  Moses didn't go on the ark, Naoh did.